I was ambushed while leaving the Elmer Swim Club today by a guy I’ve never met who told me never to return, then told me he’s a vice president of the governing association, and then told me he had papers inside to back him up. Although it was meant to look like an accidental run-in as we were walking out, it was clear it was staged with the manager on duty.
The problem is the behavior of our soon-to-be 10 yo Francis. He is difficult. He gets overwhelmed easily and doesn’t respond well to threats by authority figures. We know. He’s autistic. We deal with it every day. There’s no excusing his behavior sometimes. But there’s also no missing that he’s a deeply sweet human who has troubles relating and is making heroic strides toward learning his emotions. We driven the extra distance to this swim club for years because it’s been a place that has accepted us.
People at Elmer — well most of them — haven’t dismissed Francis as our problem, but have come together as an extended family to work through hard times to help mold him. He’s made friends and we’ve made friends. The swim club’s motto is that it’s the place “Where Everyone is Family” and we found this was the rare case where a cheesy tag line captured something real. Family. You don’t just throw up your hands when someone in the family is difficult and gets disrespectful when they get socially overwhelmed.
The VP was a control-your-kids kind of guy, clearly unaware of the challenges of raising an autistic kid — and clearly unwilling to use this parking lot moment as a learning opportunity. I tried to stay human with him and explain why this particular community was so special. The swim coaches always cheered our kids on despite always coming in dead last — not only that, but even put Francis in relay races! There have always been lots of extra eyes watching him and willing to redirect him when he started melting down. Most of the time he needs a drink, a snack, or some quiet sensory time. To be in a community that understood this is beyond miraculous for autism families. The worst thing is to start to scream or threaten, which unfortunately is some people’s default. Some authority figures know how to earn Francis’s trust; others just make things worse over and over again. At Elmer the latter finally won out.
We first started coming to this pool for swim lessons in 2009. After six years becoming more involved in this deeply welcoming community, I had started to allow myself to think we had found a home. I’d daydream of the day when Francis would be 18, graduating from the swim team and people would give him an extra rousing cheer when his name was called at the end-of-season banquet. We’d all tell stories with tears in our eyes of just how far he had come from that 9yo who couldn’t control his emotions. And we were at the point where I imagined this as a central identity for the family – the place where his older brother would sneak his first kiss on the overnight campout, or where his younger siblings would take their first courageous jumps off the high dive.
Julie’s making calls but I’m not holding my breath. What happened is an breathtakingly overt violation of the club association’s bylaws. But would we even feel safe returning? Francis is easily manipulated. It only takes a few hardened hearts at the top who believe autism is a parenting issue — or who just don’t care to do the extra work to accommodate a difficult child.
Fortunately for us, for a while we had a place that was special. The Elmer Swim Club and Elmer Swim Team will always have a special place in our hearts. Our thanks to all the wonderful people there. Here’s some memories:
Update: Our post shedding light on the Elmer Swim Club’s trustee misbehavior and the board’s violation of its own bylaws has now had over 1800 Facebook interactions (shares, likes, comments) and the blog post itself has been read 9,970 times. Terms like “autism elmer pool” are trending on our incoming Google searches and the post looks like it will be a permanent top-five search result for the pool. Although our family will never set foot in its waters again, our absence will be a remain a presence. Discussions over what happened will continue for years.
I share these stats to encourage people to talk about misbehavior in the public sphere. It doesn’t help civil society to bury conflict in the tones of hushed gossip. Just as we as parents work every day to help our autistic son make better decisions, all of us can insist that our community organizations follow best practices in self-governance and abide by their own rules. Bylaws matter. Parking lot civility matter. Kids should be held responsible for their actions. So should trustees.
dont allow the small click of elmer pool to reflect on the
elmer community…
I don’t believe anyone said it did. It’s a clique, not even the entire pool community.
It is sad. However, I did witness the child’s behavior and it was alarming and threatening. I’ve worked with children with autism. I am not saying I am an expert, but the disrespect was something I’ve never seen. There are always 2 sides to every story. I am praying for the family. Maybe counseling the family before asking them to be removed would have been better? Also, it doesn’t sound as if they were asked to not join next year, just take a break for the rest of the year. Again, praying for the family. Julie is a wonderful pleasure!
I don’t excuse Francis’s behavior. Not in the least. He can be difficult. He was pulling tiles, splashing people and talking back against rules. He was doing this weird bubbly mouth thing like he was going to spit on his way out. He embarrasses us on a daily basis. On the other hand, you probably aren’t aware of some of the context. There are ways of escalating his panic, fight-or-flight responses, and this particular pool manager has been butting heads and escalating with him all year. As counterpoint, last summer we had some incident where Francis talked back after being told not to run on the pavement. I was besides myself with mortification, doing my whisper-bark to get him over to me (“Francis!”). Bev was on duty, saw my panicked face, and calmly replied, “It’s okay, he’s stopped now.” She looked across the pool at him. “That one, he’s my special project.” OMG, I teared up right then and there. That’s what being family is about.
Also, of course they should have counseled us. There’s lots of ways we could have worked together to make this situation better. After 10 years of experience with Francis, we’d be happy to brainstorm ways to help him manage the pool environment. I don’t know where you’re getting your information (or how you weren’t listening at the fence line along with every other pool parent) but VP Eric Kern very much told us to never return — repeatedly and loudly. He said he was speaking on behalf of the board, and president Sam Wheaton didn’t dispute this when he refused to talk with us on the phone last night. There are clear protocols for dealing with difficult situations in the ESC bylaws but Sam and Eric seem able to dispense with them without consequence. That’s not the sign of healthy governance. We’ve privately heard that there have been other incidents, also handled without regard to bylaws and obviously things are being said about us behind our back (in contrast, everything we’ve said we’ve said publicly; I have a personal testimony to be transparent about all of my communications, especially in times of conflict, and keep all blog and Facebook posts publicly visible).
I’ve worked as a community organizer and nonprofit consultant and in my experience when an organization is run as a private clique without regard to process or its own bylaws, s**t usually follows.
I am so sorry! Please remember that such a decision is not made by the membership, but by certain individuals! I am a member of the pool, but my kids are grown and we are there on a part time basis! In my heart, I know you can trust the people who make up the membership. I hope this all works out!
I think you should call channel 10 news and have them investigate and call these people out on the news for discrimination i bet they will appologize and off you a membership because they were wrong to tell you never to come back.
Melin not all children with Autism have the same behavioral traits. I have friends that have children with Autism. The Elmer pool association should be ashamed of themselves.
In the spirit of transparency, I’ll share that I just deleted a comment that was particularly judgmental and nasty, from another pool autism mom who said this was all poor parenting. She mistook my not escalating things in the moment yesterday (which would have been really *really* bad) with not disciplining Francis at all. She went on to cite a long list of family infractions over the past three months. She wouldn’t have seen most of these; this was a group-list made by at least half a dozen people who must have been watching us and talking about us behind our backs.
Wow. There is a group dynamic where someone becomes the outsider that it’s okay to hate on. The clique starts to compile stories and share notes. Every incident, no matter how momentary or trivial is added to a list. It’s a toxic environment, hate breeding hate as more people get drawn in. I’ve seen it before but it still stuns me. Especially coming from adults. I’m sure this list is being shared privately on Facebook and that people we know and love are seeing it. Humanity just really sucks sometimes.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with that. I haven’t had to work with an autistic family member, but I have had to deal with the toxic clique behavior thrown at me. It is not fun and my heart breaks for you and your family.
I wish I could offer you support and encouragement. You are not alone. <3
This is an outrage you need to take this to court find a lawyer thake on these two morons who lack compassion
Take these morons to court
Wow, what ugliness. Speaking as a parent of a 28 year old autistic son, society gives lip service to being understanding and accommodating, but the reality is, our children are still expected to act like everyone else.
I have a daughter on Raccoon Valley swim team and belong tot hat pool community. The swim coach is a special education instructional assistant and ver the years has worked with several swimmers with autism and aspergergers on the team. The team is very welcoming. I would encourage you to visit the pool and make contact with the coach about joining. Swimming is such a wonderful sport and summer swimming is such an awesome opportunity for everyone.Please don’g give up on your dream of seeing your son at his senior recognition